Pain is Beauty

When him and I exchanged letters after our high school graduation our letters contained similar content. We both said we had liked each other but because I thought it was not the right time to enter in a relationship given our age and maturity and his reason being that it was discouraged at their Church, we both thought to leave it at that.

One of the things I appreciated in his letter was when he apologized for always correcting me when I was at fault and quoted Proverbs 27:6; "Wounds from a sincere friend are better than kisses from an enemy."

Every time my dad talks to me regarding how "sungit, disrespectful, prideful" I am to my sister or to my grandmother or to my tita, I would defend myself of course and in the event I would end up crying because I do know to a certain degree that it is true.

Before we can correctly apply knowledge, we cite painful yet educational experiences.

My dad recently met a motor accident and had to have a knee surgery. This morning he told Bea to never ever drive a motorcycle.

I would look back to my high school experience of quitting the volleyball varsity team when searching for courage in the opportunities that come my way.

I had to sacrifice all my free time and to an extent, my academics when I joined the debate team in college for one semester and had to cry one or few times too due to stress but it was equivalent to one free and significant course to remove political apathy.

A pencil undergoes a painful process of sharpening before it becomes useful and only then could it serve its purpose.

A Lesson at a Job Interview

Who would have thought that I would be receiving a significant writing tip at a job interview. It was a highly appreciated piece of advice coming from an experienced writer at a television network.

Generally, she said that I write rather safely and conservatively but when I wrote about Migration and Globalization as my answer to one of the the essay questions she said it blew her mind and called me 'little nerdita'.

She said that there's no 'landi' in the way I write making the style of my writing very serious and heavy. When I asked whether it's about the content and if I should write about more controversial things she said, not necessarily and answered that it the way one uses language and encouraged me to play with words.

After expressing interest in me in the departments I could be part she invited me to another interview with a different department head. As I bade her goodbye I told her I would consider her writing tip and she told me I should go for it because I have it in me.

I would love to get feedback regarding the way I write. Upon the creation of this blog I told myself my only audience would be myself and a few intimate friends. Yet how do I grow as a writer without people having read my works and critique it for my personal and professional growth?

I'll try my best you guys :)

Discovering Gold in a Garage Sale

This afternoon was an awesome afternoon! I am all smiles whilst typing this entry and that’s how awesome it was.

We held a garage sale at my house along with my Development Communication group mates to raise funds for our project for Pook Libis – the community which we will be offering our Service Learning to.

Joyce already gave me a few blouses to sell before Christmas break and for my contribution I scavenged my closet for blouses that haven’t been used for quite some time and got my reader digest condensed books which I bought at a book sale, scavenged Bea’s stuff too. Well for two bear stuffed toys which she wouldn’t miss because it has been stored at the top of our closet for years. I also threw in three heels which were all given to me because trust me I wouldn’t spend for heels -my feet and my style advice me against it. I also threw in perfumes given to me as gifts whose scents aren’t my taste at all. The only scent I appreciate by far is the white musk scent of any brand of perfume. Speaking of that scent my French professor wears the same scent. I know because I’m seated at the front of our class and he usually brings lots of stuff to class – his home cooked lunch, mint drink, canned goods imported from France and one time his perfume was lying there and I told him it was the same as mine. He just looked at me.

Going back to the garage sale, Riza and Yanna arrived at lunch time and Yanna was equipped with cute bracelets which she seldom used and contemporary books. One book was titled, “Mga Kwento ng Puso” and when we teased her about it she defensively said it was for her Creative Writing class. I bought a printed skirt from the clothes Riza bought priced at 20php and it was not bad at all.

I was going upstairs to get some money and Tita Beau asked if we were just exchanging stuff. I said that we are the number one customers of our own garage sale. Actually Riza is the number one customer because most of the pretty stuff Yanna brought was sold to her as in two charmed bracelets, a new brown Hang Ten purse with a navy blue little ribbon and the new fake Mac eye shadow set which were all gifts to Yanna which she said she will not be using.

Maan arrived later on and brought clothes too while we were entertaining some of the few customers who passed by. Because all of our stuff are for females we couldn’t accommodate what the tri-bike drivers and other men who passed by were looking which are men’s wear. We promised them we would have on Friday afternoon.

When Erica arrived from school after we already packed up after three hours of marketing, I told her to take a look at the container of unsold bracelets and surprisingly she liked one – a colorful crystal gartered bracelet and it was sold for 20php. Wylo my 2nd grade niece surprisingly was interested in the crystal dog keychain originally priced at 20php but I sold it to her for half the price.

Wylo was really happy about the keychain that she still kept looking at the other unsold bracelets. I thought she was just admiring them but to my surprise once my classmates went home and I put all unsold stuff in my room with Erica and Wylo’s help and I was already doing homework, Wylo went in my room and casually lifted some unsold books from the container of the unsold bracelet and was expressing interest in a black bracelet with a silver key and asked me how much it was, I said it was 20php and asked if she had money. Surprisingly she had and immediately handed me two ten peso coins. I was surprised and thanked her for contributing to our funds. She was still observing the container and asked me how much the crystal lizard keychain was and I said I wasn’t sure if its 20php and checked our price list but I told her I’d give it to her for 10php. She gave me the 10 and eventually gave me another 5php. I told her it’s okay she can keep the 5php because she might not have any money anymore and I even clarified if it was her own money to which she affirmed. I was giving her the 5php back and said that she should keep it in case she’d be interested in the next batch of stuff we would be selling on Friday. She gently pushed my hand with the 5php coin back and it was just a sweet gesture.

It was great experience raising 445php in 3 hours. You learn promotion, sales talk, what people want and don’t want and you get to discover people who are willing to help.

Law of Attraction in Action

It was a frightening feeling. A feeling you want to be rid off as soon as you’re feeling it because who wants to be scared? It's not exactly a good feeling to bathe in. Yet the feeling stubbornly remains and for a quite a while too. It’s programmed to be there to incite something in us. Maybe courage. Maybe a stronger will. Following that ideal direction and up to what extent is up to us.

I said I wouldn't and couldn't. But there I was smack in the middle of it.

I said I wouldn't ride any ride I wasn't comfortable riding on. I was thinking of riding a Merry Go Round once or thrice. I said I would just serve as the documenter but there I was falling prey to peer pressure. They insisted I purchase the ride all you can ticket since it was my very first time to go to Enchanted Kingdom. In attempt to not be viewed as pedantic I gave in.

The second ride we were lining up for was called Anchors Away and all I could think of were the recounts of people's scary experiences about it playing in my head while looking at the ship shaped ride which swayed from side to side. I didn't want to annoy my companions with my fear but I couldn't help to verbally babble things as the internal battle going on in my head every second as we drew near our turn could not be resolved. I told them I couldn't do it but they thought otherwise. I was breathing heavily already but I found hope  in the ounce of excitement I was feeling. There's something very liberating at getting to try something you are very scared and hesitant of especially if you know it would serve as a milestone.

As our turn drew came I noticed I was shaking. Jhobs sat beside me and we chose to sit at the middle part but as soon as we sat my fear got the best of me and I was thinking I could still back out. I could still back out. My fear took a toll on me and I barfed a little bit on my lap right before the cue for start went on so Jhobs immediately assisted me to the exit and bought me water and we sat on the benches. The rest of our friends went ahead without us. I was very thankful to Jhobs for being such a helpful friend that time.

After that ride the rest of our friends wanted to try the Space Shuttle but because Jhobs and I didn't feel like riding it and because I was just in the process of calming myself we had a go at the bump cars. The fact that a bunch of kids and preteens were the ones lined up who were from a single school didn't bother us. After spending a few minutes of strolling around the amusement park I told Jhobs we should try the Anchors Away again.

I owed it to myself. I owed it to Jhobs who excitedly wants to have a go at it because it isn't her first time to. I didn't want to feel like a loser who lost to myself. I had been practicing the law of attraction and I wanted to prove the law to myself and to other people. I wanted to become what I thought about. I was thinking of being courageous and I wanted that very instant for courage to be manifested.

Before I knew it Jhobs and I were lining up again and we sat in the very place we sat earlier on. There was a kid sitting in front of me who was crying and was being comforted by her teacher. I was amazed at her because although she was scared she didn't try to get off.

When the cue for start went on I had my game face on. Jhobs told me to keep my arms in the air for maximum enjoyment. Besides enjoyment keeping it up in the air tricked my senses into feeling very confident because when I did try putting it on the sides of my legs and I felt my body heavily shaking.  I kept it in the air, swayed my arms hands and even my upper torso whilst shouting every time the ship-like-ride was moving from the highest point to the lowest.

I saw the crying kid was then laughing and her shift of emotions mirrored my initial sentiments. True there was one point it was dizzying and I was thinking, "Tell me this is over. It's probably over. Please Lord let it be over already." but when the pace of the ride was beginning to slow, I knew it would soon be over.

Jhobs and I who were both carrying DSLRs immediately took photos of each other right after for proof that we rode it. I was teary eyed in the photo but I was smiling. I was proud of myself and man did it feel good to get out of one's shell and conquer a fear no matter how little it may seem.

Creative Kicks

These are pictures of the homemade planner I gave to my friend MJ.

Back in November she saw the few pages of a homemade black and pink planner I made myself and found it cute so she asked me if I could make one for her too and said she was willing to pay for the materials and the labor. I mentioned a price which to my surprise she didn't mind at all and she even told me said she'd like to receive it before the new year. Actually I gave it to her on the second of January. I went to their house which was near our street and personally delivered it to her and was received by her Lolo who engaged me in a witty conversation. When MJ came out I handed the planner to her and I told her "You're not allowed to pay for it."

The mere fact that she appreciated something which I did for creative kicks was fulfilling enough. Later on that day in an thoughtful act of appreciation she delivered cute kitchen utensils from a Japanese Store to my house.

Good one Lola

Coming home from our usual Sunday lunch-grocery with our dad, we came home to Wylo wearing this. She's wearing what would be her homework for the next day which is supposedly a homemade mask. Lola in an attempt to exert little effort but maximum hopes of high grades cut holes on the bumble bee made of felt paper which was formerly a design attached to the walls of their room. Bea and I burst out laughing upon seeing it and because of that Lola said Bea should make a new one  instead because she knew nothing of making masks. Bea went around to doing a butterfly design mask with glitters which Wylo wasn't at all embarrassed about.

2012 Christmas at Bicol

Webcam Shots at the Sala

 Mama at the background of the last shot. Also met a few cousins of our cousins: Am who is still in high school but ridiculously taller than I am (who I got to beat at chess! Heehee) and her younger brother Jan. Also notice my cousin Utoy who impressively builds his biceps and triceps but annoyingly called me a faggot as he bade me goodbye upon boarding the bus for home.

My ever humble younger-in-denial-of-being-a-danseur cousin: Karl who-also accuses me of so many absurdities like me deliberately touching his butt and exaggerates my crush to Don Lemon and Alfie Enoch to a fetish for black people. 

With handsome cousin Gadong and adorable cousin Jap who are brothers

Ate Faye- the oldest cousin among all 12 cousins at my father's side. It has been pointed out that I shouldn't be referring to her as ate since she's just a month older but it would be so awkward since the rest of our cousins call her Ate Faye and even our aunts and uncles call her that. Because we are tightly bound by our maturity due to our same age we both have shared a lot of stuff with each other. 

 Dada is a great swimmer compared to the rest of us. She used to be in the swimming varsity of her school and her butterfly stroke which according to her she came to learn for months is to be admired.

This shot was taken at the guest room and these are our positions when movie-marathoning plus many more cousins who would join us. One night when we chose to watch The Exorcism of Emily Rose and since I already watched it I went to sleep earlier than them and when I woke up I couldn't move because it was really crowded. It was a funny sight. My cousin Tessa who eventually transferred to there house at dawn said she woke up with her upper torso on the bed and her legs on the floor and wondered why no one helped her to a comfortable position. 

With my cousin Tessa who I still maintain looks a lot like Leona Lewis. Unsurprisingly she has joined pageants and have done modeling as well. At our first night in Bicol we were crooned by impressive carolers- one group were even wearing a uniform and a different dance number to each Christmas song they sang. Tessa said if there were carolers who would prove to be disappointing we would open the gates and release all our dogs.

This is my dimpled cousin Nicole who has a modulated speaking voice whom though I haven't heard her do it yet, must be good in singing as well. One time when we didn't feel like watching a movie with others she was reading the Bible whilst I played cards and Utoy was playing games on my cell. She recounted interesting experiences to me. I discovered that she knows how to play volleyball that's why I would really bring by volleyball the next time we visit and we'll sure have a lot of fun.

Painless Bump

“I just saw a bus pass by with the combined names of him and me. It’s a sign. Something’s going to happen, I’m telling you.”

 “Baka naman imagination mo lang yun triggered by the recent teasing from our cousins.”

 “Ano ako gaga?”

This was the dialogue between my sister and I the day before I indeed saw him at a mall.

My sister and I bought coffee from the grocery at a near by mall and because my legs were sore from jogging earlier that day I opted to take the walkator instead of the few steps of stairs even if it would just serve a few moments of relief because of its short length. Then from the corner of my eye I saw him sitting with his younger sister on steps of the stairs located at the very side of the walkator. I shouted his name and when he looked at me, I yelled “Merry Christmas!” Even if it was already two days until New Year.

He aknowledged by looking at me. My thoughts were running fast. Because he didn’t seem to be enthusiastic to see me, I thought for a second to leave it like that. A momentay bumping into each other which would eventually leave us both into multiple what ifs. But then again I think it's just me. I then went for it - I turned around and went to him. He was eating green mango with bagoong with his two year old sister. I said, kamusta and tried to get the attention of his sister who did not return my hi's and was acting very guarded but still cute. He told me that it takes time for her little sister to get comfortable with strangers. He told me that the rest of his family were doing grocery and they were taking too long that's why they're there resting. He asked me what I was doing there too and after answering him I babbled about how I beat this lady by a few seconds to the last two packets of a granulated brand of coffee my Lola asked me to buy and when the lady asked if she could have the other one, I apologized and declined. He said that I should have given it to her. I told him I would be reprimanded but actually I was just feeling stingy.

After a few more babbling mostly on my part, I didn't want it to be awkward for the both of us so I said I had to go. I bid his little sister and him goodbye and went my way.

It's a little bit funny that encounter with him. I didn't feel like I wanted to rekindle something with him. I didn't feel any regret that there was nothing more between us. It was funny because as usual he was being very timid. I guess that's just the way he really is and I don't mind. He was still the very first person who got me all giddy inside.

We saw each other once more that same day. My sister and I were about to exit the mall when we saw him alone walking towards our direction. When we were near enough to hear each other I said, "You're following us." and he just smiled.

Flattered?

“Ang ganda nga niya eh. Ang tangos ng ilong niya, parang may lahi.” – Jay complimenting my niece.

“Ang cute nga niya eh, para akong may Korean na anak” –Mom to Bea

“Mukha kang taga Middle East. Ang ganda kaya ng race nila.” –A friend to me.

We are all guilty of inferiority complex and we all believe that other races are superior to ours evident in how we compliment our fellows and how we feel when the compliment is directed at us.

I am guilty of it and I don’t feel proud about it.

Can’t we just compliment our fellow Filipinos by saying that they look beautiful period. I long for the time when it would be the norm that Filipinos would use adjectives instead to express their liking for an aesthetically pleasing face.

“I like how Noah looks because his sleepy eyes are always mysteriously expressive. I never know what he thinks from his eyes except that he avoids mine especially when we have more than 30 seconds of eye contact. I also like his particularly small mouth that when he leaves open reveal his perfect teeth and I am guilty of thinking what it would feel like to kiss him.”

Okay, well not everyone can produce such words to another individual they mean to compliment especially when they do not know the person much. Plus the fact that a person gets more beautiful the more we get to know them.

I do appreciate compliments like, “Ang ganda ng face niya.” Simple. No bullshit. The person may be being very up to the point or maybe having a difficulty in being intricate but at least that person didn't associate beauty to a foreign face. Maybe it’s just that, sometimes we associate beauty to foreign races because it is the surest way of being persuasive so that the compliment can be accepted easily. Because they have that misconception that ideal beauty is anything but Filipino beauty. Colonial mentality will always be deep-seated in our system and it’s just sad.

Kids? Pshh.

“They are mere kids.”

They are just kids so we must not punish them. They are just kids so we let them slide every time they commit a mistake denying the very fact that the act of letting them slide confuses the child’s perception of the morally correct, of the rightful standards and of the proper way of treating other people. Not correcting the wrongful action of the child is denial of that child to improve himself and to mature psychologically. We rob the child of what could have been an opportunity for them to rise up after a fall. We rob the child of redeeming himself after committing a forgivable mistake. We rob the child of wisdom.

 They steal something, we don’t lecture them. Why, no we won’t. They lie, we don’t correct them. Absolutely no. They throw or waste their food, we just laugh at them. We do not at the slightest attempt try to inculcate values upon them. It would be unthinkable. It’s not accepted, not in this house. That would merit corporal punishment and in this house you’d get 20 to life if you as much tell your nieces that stealing from others is wrong, that saying bad words is unbecoming, that being lazy of household chores is unfair to all members of the family who are doing their assigned responsibilities. Because ladies and gentlemen, in this house we put a premium on emotions. This house believes that emotions control us and guide our decision-making. Feelings come first before truth and facts.

 I never heard of a judge who acquitted a molester just because he felt pity towards the disabled perpetuator. The molester has to face the consequences regardless of the fact that he had needs, regardless of the fact that he was oblivious of the law.

Maybe that’s why here in the country, certain politicians want to push for a law that would impose a heavier punishment to minors who have committed crimes because once they get out, after being rehabilitated or sometimes just an overnight stay at the children’s desk, syndicates use them as instruments to exact crimes all over again. Because, hey. What have they got to lose? They are just minors right.

“They are just kids.” Yes and Lucipher was once an angel.