I woke up to screams in the middle of the night. I was six years old vacationing in Brunei where my parents worked. I got up from the comfortable queen-sized bed I was sleeping in. I saw my dad standing by the door of the walk-in closet. He was pointing aggressively at my mother with his devil-like face shouting angrily at my mom. I walked past him and saw my mom seated at the floor of the walk-in closet, her eyes all swollen. I sat at her lap. I didn't know what to do, It was difficult to understand. I just knew that I had to remember to make light of it someday.
I climbed up to the second story of my Lola's house in Bicol. I was still six. I climbed up to tears. My mothers'. She was sitting on a cushion at the hallway. My Lola, along with my Titas and Titos surrounded her sympathetically. My dad was standing in the middle, once again with his devilish face, roughly pressing his point-finger at my mom and angrily uttering hurtful things. I forgot what I did, I forgot what was said, but I remember the sad, concerned faces. I remember my mom's reddish face from her continious crying. That I could remember.
I was in first grade and woke up one day to news of my dad to be deported from Brunei because he beat up my mom again but someone had to the courage to report it to authorities. Only then did I understand.
Upon comprehension are emotions I strongly felt; I felt relief and anger. At least he can't hurt her anymore. At least she won't cry anymore. She can cry of other reasons but not from pain caused by someone who was supposed to love her.This was was relief. I also felt a nagging feeling of anger towards my dad. Maybe because I wanted to understand why he did those things. I wanted to know why he was capable of doing hurtful things to my own mom and his own love. I wanted to know why a thinking human being would be so adamant and primitive to be able to inflict physical and verbal pain on someone he is supposed to love. I felt anger and shame at the fact that he is my dad. Why did he have to be my dad I remember recalling.
I grew up to a dysfunctional family. I have five half siblings and one full sibling. We all grew up together at my Lola's on my mother's side. All our dads were absent up to a certain point that is. My eldest kuya seperated from his wife. His wife cheated on him and now has another family. He on the otherhand is with a girlfriend right now. Second to our eldest, another kuya also seperated. He cheated on his wife and is currently building a different family now.
I used to believe in forever. I used to believe in the ideal. When I say I don't believe in marriage, it's not because I don't want to be tied-up. It's not because I want to sleep around but it is because I don't believe in forever. Nobody respects the sanctity of marriage anymore at the rate of people getting legally seperated, annulled and divorced. So let's save the money, the time and effort. Let's save the heartache and not commit in forever because there is no such thing.
If a person is willing to stick it out with me forever that'll be a gem. If the idea of dating me forever doesn't appeal to you, I won't stop you. If you want to have kids, build a family, don't let me stop you from your dream. I just don't ever want to wake up and be the one crying and be the object of screams.
