I was ranting to Nina about random stuff when I told her something that I was thinking of.
I always think about what's going on. Where am I? What am I currently doing? What should be done? How should I do it? When do I do it? Who are the stakeholders? The endless hows and justified by whys. Its both a blessing and a burden that this thinking capability us humans share.
I always remember and recall history. How did I do today? Did I at least make someone smile? Did I piss someone of? I hope not. Did I act correctly? Did I forget something? Did I miss something? I wonder what's going in her/his head. How sure can I get and how wrong can I get. Worries and doubts haunt our nature to care about the feelings of fellows.
I always dream. I dream about how I'll do it. I dream about the end of the road, although its a bit blurry, if I focus my senses properly, it will become clear. The moment I think about love, its like a vast amount of ice cold water is thrown at me before I even fall in the ocean. I get a taste of the worse case scenario so that when I would start to dip myself in the ocean I wouldn't be surprised. So that I won't feel cheated. But the sad thing is, I haven't even experienced swimming in the ocean. I know the basics of swimming but I don't want to go to the deep side. I won't take the risk. Even if I find out I do good there. Even if it's pleasurable, I refuse to find out for myself because I think that that ice cold water thrown at me is enough reason to stay put and don't go swimming at all. Because I know it's safer, because I won't get hurt having to try. Because I love myself to much that I built this thick barricade of metal so that in case of a death threat, I wouldn't have to try to hard to defend myself even if there's no assurance that it is an actual safe guard.
Is it really self love? Because if I do love myself then why do I deprive myself of potential emotional satisfaction. It's a cycle and it's because I claim to love myself too much.
