Fighting For My Life

In the usual scheme of things, either yes or no, can or can’t, Should and shouldn’t, I happen to find myself undecided and worried.

I feel blessed yet cheated. I feel blessed and fortunate than countless others who are less fortunate than I am and feel cheated for being in this situation. Don’t I deserve the best? Don’t I deserve at least better for doing my very best -what I can to attain greater heights for myself and to assist you in the future?

I feel deprived yet free. I feel deprived of resources. How has it come to this? I don’t want to compare as much as possible. I don’t want to question but how else can I cope but by going back to the root of it all. I am free. Free to interpret this as challenge, as a means to strengthen myself and to see the other side of my situation, the good of it which I don’t and won’t see.

I know why it is me but I am fighting a fight for my life and for my future – both a necessity and a desire. I am destined for more: this is my belief and my plea. 

Nothing Mystical

I told my folks I wanted to be able to explain dreams when I grow up answering their obligatory “what do you want to be when you grow up?” question.

Adults were so frustrating to not have corrected me or at least have lead me to the career path I was actually talking about but instead led me to believe that I was an odd kid coming up with that answer.

Dreams have always mystified me as a child and no one bothered to explain to me, at least scientifically what they were. I thought that dreams were another realm, another truth that occurred in my sleep for they always seemed so real and I would remember them in great detail as I wake up similar to a memory of past events.

I had a scary dream when I was in kindergarten: I was sitting on a chair at the sala of our former house at Mahogany Park, when I suddenly noticed a black tail showing from underneath the chair I was sitting at. Our dog at the time was Julie and she was a white corgi with very few brown spots on her ears and at her back- obviously it wasn’t her. I felt scared at what was underneath the chair so instead of looking I ran and something grabbed my right ankle but I continued to run and then all I can remember was I was trying to run away from a creature with a human torso and legs that of a horse. That dream scared me until I forgot all about it.

I was in grade four when I dreamt I was walking with some of my friends at a street near our school when we discovered an empty lot with an opened gate. We went inside and there was this tree at the middle of a grassy lot. I decided to lean on the trunk of the tree when my friends started pointing towards me. I didn’t look up the tree, but I saw a foot dangling from it leveled with my shoulders. I forgot what went through my mind but my initial reaction was to touch the foot dangling from the tree. The foot was so cold and only did I notice the color of it- which was grayish purple. I remember running after.

In my high school I dreamt I was in our house, and there was a blackout so I was using my cellphone for illumination going up the stairs and finally to my room. I heard a girl crying and I noticed there was someone sitting at the first deck of our double decked bed so I moved towards the person thinking it was Bea. I tried to see if it was her using my cellphone to illuminate her face. I was so scared to see that it was an old woman with a scary face. I woke up after and it’s a good thing I don’t recall how she looks like exactly.

I have learned that dreams are nothing more than our subconscious mind.  Once we are asleep the brain takes bits and pieces from the different files in our memory and that’s what we dream about explaining why sometimes it doesn’t make sense. At times it reflects what we’re going through at present and sometimes may reveal our hidden fears and desires through dominant symbols in our dreams.  There’s nothing mystical about it to my dismay.