An Update

*Exhales deeply

To be inspiring or not to be inspiring.

I didn't write for a really long time because of that dilemma. Here I am just to get my thoughts out of my head or I'll go crazy. I mean it. There's this feeling in my chest wanting to burst. Unwritten emotions. Unexpressed thoughts. Unsaid feelings. Finally I get to sit down and write.

So it's May 4 and I made a pact with myself that I would make 2 articles a day starting this month and since it's the fourth day of the month I owe my own blog 8 articles to be posted today or I ain't sleeping. I haven't really thought about topics/themes to write about so here comes my brain to enumerate, in a jiffy  what I would write about tonight. Just to be organized and so as to achieve my goal.

So as. As much. I have got to stop using that phrase 'so as'. Reminds me of this former blockmate of mine that I hate. I may have gotten it from her.

Guide: (May or may not be in order)

• Something I am really frustrated/angry about. Can be a person, phenomenon or food.
• Something I really am passionate about and will continuously pursue.
• A really rich experience.
• A trivia. Something that's really interesting I may have heard/read/watched that I need to research on and react upon.

Geeze. Four more.

• An improvement.
• Something I am really looking forward to.
• I got to write about a guy. I don't know who, but just to keep this blog spicy. Haha can't believe I said that. 
• The commute to and fro Makati. This may be interesting - well for me, so that I'll have reference in the future.

At least I have direction now. 

I created this blog for myself mostly because I've just gotten used to typing rather than writing and it's easier to erase words, sentences, once I've realized that I'm not content with it. It's just much more practical. This blog is not about a specific topic. It's just about me. My thoughts. I really don't like sharing it to people because:

a. It's really not that impressive. There are a billion blogs out there that are much more interesting than mine. I once gave a talk on blogging and researching on the subject, I don't pass the 'successful blogger' category. Wasn't really the authoritative person to talk about the topic now was I. According to my research, blogs have to be updated daily. It has to generate traffic, thus having many followers and allows for comments. Also, it has to have a consistent theme.

b. Apart from mine being a personal diary because I just won't write in paper. I am too restrained in this blog because I know people who know me will easily find this. I'm not trying to be very secretive but I don't actually want to be caught bad mouthing someone I know.

c. This nagging pressure that I have to be inspiring keeps getting to me. When I think of being inspiring, I think about kids. I think about people younger than me that can actually benefit from my writing. I love kids but I really am not all that goody-two-shoes all the time. I am a good person but I also feel like murdering people sometimes. Well, not really. Okay sometimes, but that's because I am a bit broken. Go figure. I do try my best to be sane, normal, to be loving and to just function excellently.

Well here goes nothing.

For your Ears

There are times when it’s okay.

Because everybody deserves another chance, because nobody’s perfect. because I don’t want you ruining my day, because of the mere reason that we are friends, because we are blood relatives, because I taught myself how to be civil at circumstances that are insidious and provocative.

There are times when it isn’t okay and I don’t confront. Especially when you are my friend, especially if you are family, especially when I have a deep respect for you but not at how you are acting. Because I value what we have been through, I cherish our conversations meaningful or not.

I tell myself, Life doesn’t have to be meaningful all the time. Each time I engage in a shallow conversation I die a little, and I tell myself why do I this?  Is it for the sake of preserving a friendship that isn’t built on truth in the first place?

What is truth?

In case you don’t know the truth because it hasn’t been that obvious or because you blanketed it with how you want to see it - in your favor. In case you don’t know I will tell for the benefit of all.

I get angry

When you choose not to be cooperative.

When you don’t give your 100 percent best.

When you sell yourself short.

When you avoid responsibility.

When you don’t set your priorities straight.

At your lack of direction.

I get sad

At how you take advantage of the fact that we are friends

At how you refuse to realize your shortcomings

At how you are so content with mediocrity

At how every time you don’t perform you drag us down with you

At how I can’t seem to be a good enough influence to you

When will you see and hear?

“It is in my nature”

“If you love me, you’ll accept me for who I am”

The first one is an excuse.

The second one is shrewdness.

Getting an A

A Public Relations Case Study Analysis

A Long Exam on the Constitution of the Philippines

A Documentary on the Malolos Constitution

A Report of Land Reform in the Philippines

A Thesis on the Impact of Word of the Lourd Program on Miriam College Students

A Play on Maya Angelou's book: Singin' and Swingin and gettin Merry Like Christmas

A Blog Post

A Weekly Report

A Conference Report

A Set of Answers to a Track Training

A PR Plan for a Summer Camp

A Set of Research for a Newsletter Issue

Another Company for OJT

An Integrated Advertising Plan

An Advertorial

A revision

A follow-up

A 2-minute Video

A motivation

A distraction

A deadline

Gratitude

Well what can I say? Thank you I guess.

Thanks for giving me a heads up, for making it clear.

That fine line between friendship and companionship, thanks for drawing the line.

I may not be the prettiest, the smartest, but I respect myself. Further more I respect others. I do not put down others by making snide remarks that may be funny for the moment but we all know is an attack to their self-worth. You think you are perfect? And please, if your excuse is constructive criticism, there is a huge difference, female dog. I am so sorry but I abide by the golden rule and if you think what you are doing is perfectly fine, you will meet someone who will be your match and who knows? it might be me? I get how you want to be on the top, who doesn't? I hope when you get there, you are happy. That's my direction as well, just a different route. You know, one where I won't step on others's self-worth. 

What can I say? 

Thanks for teaching me another life lesson: 

There those people who are real. There are real friends, genuine people. People who may not always talk to you but when they do, you know you are safe, from criticizing looks, whom when they see you, you feel accepted, respected, appreciated.

There are those people who seem like friends. Some may be nice for the sake of it. Out of obligation may be, out of civility may be, what ever social graces demand. There are those who use you. Not always materially, but use your time. Are really nice in the sense of being nice because they need you. Because for now, you are essential in their plan for greater heights and leave you hanging. Who looks at you and you know that they judge you. Thanks for making it clear for me that this is you. At least I'll be on my guard right? 

I have been through a lot in my life, a lot of hurts and disappointments and I don't need you to trample on what I have been trying very hard to rebuild.

Again, thank you.

Reason over Heart

It's better to have loved and lost rather than not to have loved at all.

I was ranting to Nina about random stuff when I told her something that I was thinking of. 

I always think about what's going on. Where am I? What am I currently doing? What should be done? How should I do it? When do I do it? Who are the stakeholders? The endless hows and justified by whys. Its both a blessing and a burden that this thinking capability us humans share. 

I always remember and recall history. How did I do today? Did I at least make someone smile? Did I piss someone of? I hope not. Did I act correctly? Did I forget something? Did I miss something? I wonder what's going in her/his head. How sure can I get and how wrong can I get. Worries and doubts haunt our nature to care about the feelings of fellows.

I always dream. I dream about how I'll do it. I dream about the end of the road, although its a bit blurry, if I focus my senses properly, it will become clear. The moment I think about love, its like a vast amount of ice cold water is thrown at me before I even fall in the ocean. I get a taste of the worse case scenario so that when I would start to dip myself in the ocean I wouldn't be surprised. So that I won't feel cheated. But the sad thing is, I haven't even experienced swimming in the ocean. I know the basics of swimming but I don't want to go to the deep side. I won't take the risk. Even if I find out I do good there. Even if it's pleasurable, I refuse to find out for myself because I think that that ice cold water thrown at me is enough reason to stay put and don't go swimming at all. Because I know it's safer, because I won't get hurt having to try. Because I love myself to much that I built this thick barricade of metal so that in case of a death threat, I wouldn't have to try to hard to defend myself even if there's no assurance that it is an actual safe guard. 

Is it really self love? Because if I do love myself then why do I deprive myself of potential emotional satisfaction. It's a cycle and it's because I claim to love myself too much.

Alive but not Awake

Time beats so fast my body can't help but surrender to it's own plea.

I stare at something out the window and my energy is drained as I sit and spectate.

Looking away I finally listen, stare and keep quiet.

I move past at the sight of the cracked paint on the walls.

Darkness is my sanctuary as I lay on a patch of blue of the same room.

If not now when?
If not me who?

An open note to ex best friend

I can accept criticisms. Can you?

Just because you raise your voice does not mean that you are an effective leader.

Just because you get irritated at people when what you wanted to happen failed to deliver does not permit you to treat people bad and use that as an excuse to save face and say that you intended so much better. It is all in your head madame.

You think that just because we have the same circle of friends and I am forced to be in your company equates to forgiveness on my part.

You think that just because you are more expressive than I in speech means you are correct. As they say an empty can makes a lot of noise.

You think that I can not see beneath your intention to merely preserve yourself and use me as a tool to climb up. I can't care less if you get there or not.

Just because you exhibit sarcasm does not mean you are a deep person.

And just because you laugh at me does not mean you are above me.

I would have said yes to to your question if the manner in which you said it did not display the obvious fact that it would please you more than me. If you can't be sensitive at least be respectful.

I will walk the earth and thank the good souls that crossed my path. There are only two types of people I meet. One is someone who is neither good nor bad but at least I have had the privilege to have learned the foundation of their characters and have directly or indirectly taught me a thing or two about humanity. The second is someone I despise. Someone whom I can not and will never look up to, someone whom I will never forget trampled upon my very worth and spat on it. You are the later, even if you are completely aware of it nor not.

Faith Lost

I wonder if what came first: My deteriorating faith in God or my deteriorating faith in People. It's like the chicken and egg dilemma for my nerves.

I wonder if the monster that I have become was the effect of  the kind of environment I was bred in or was it always hidden in me and waiting to be tapped or provoked into full embodiment.

Fighting For My Life

In the usual scheme of things, either yes or no, can or can’t, Should and shouldn’t, I happen to find myself undecided and worried.

I feel blessed yet cheated. I feel blessed and fortunate than countless others who are less fortunate than I am and feel cheated for being in this situation. Don’t I deserve the best? Don’t I deserve at least better for doing my very best -what I can to attain greater heights for myself and to assist you in the future?

I feel deprived yet free. I feel deprived of resources. How has it come to this? I don’t want to compare as much as possible. I don’t want to question but how else can I cope but by going back to the root of it all. I am free. Free to interpret this as challenge, as a means to strengthen myself and to see the other side of my situation, the good of it which I don’t and won’t see.

I know why it is me but I am fighting a fight for my life and for my future – both a necessity and a desire. I am destined for more: this is my belief and my plea. 

Nothing Mystical

I told my folks I wanted to be able to explain dreams when I grow up answering their obligatory “what do you want to be when you grow up?” question.

Adults were so frustrating to not have corrected me or at least have lead me to the career path I was actually talking about but instead led me to believe that I was an odd kid coming up with that answer.

Dreams have always mystified me as a child and no one bothered to explain to me, at least scientifically what they were. I thought that dreams were another realm, another truth that occurred in my sleep for they always seemed so real and I would remember them in great detail as I wake up similar to a memory of past events.

I had a scary dream when I was in kindergarten: I was sitting on a chair at the sala of our former house at Mahogany Park, when I suddenly noticed a black tail showing from underneath the chair I was sitting at. Our dog at the time was Julie and she was a white corgi with very few brown spots on her ears and at her back- obviously it wasn’t her. I felt scared at what was underneath the chair so instead of looking I ran and something grabbed my right ankle but I continued to run and then all I can remember was I was trying to run away from a creature with a human torso and legs that of a horse. That dream scared me until I forgot all about it.

I was in grade four when I dreamt I was walking with some of my friends at a street near our school when we discovered an empty lot with an opened gate. We went inside and there was this tree at the middle of a grassy lot. I decided to lean on the trunk of the tree when my friends started pointing towards me. I didn’t look up the tree, but I saw a foot dangling from it leveled with my shoulders. I forgot what went through my mind but my initial reaction was to touch the foot dangling from the tree. The foot was so cold and only did I notice the color of it- which was grayish purple. I remember running after.

In my high school I dreamt I was in our house, and there was a blackout so I was using my cellphone for illumination going up the stairs and finally to my room. I heard a girl crying and I noticed there was someone sitting at the first deck of our double decked bed so I moved towards the person thinking it was Bea. I tried to see if it was her using my cellphone to illuminate her face. I was so scared to see that it was an old woman with a scary face. I woke up after and it’s a good thing I don’t recall how she looks like exactly.

I have learned that dreams are nothing more than our subconscious mind.  Once we are asleep the brain takes bits and pieces from the different files in our memory and that’s what we dream about explaining why sometimes it doesn’t make sense. At times it reflects what we’re going through at present and sometimes may reveal our hidden fears and desires through dominant symbols in our dreams.  There’s nothing mystical about it to my dismay.